Coming & Going

A change of scenery.

Sometimes it takes going across the country to open eyes to new views, new vistas, the force of old habits and the sloppy pile of our aggregates, trailing behind us like swamp grass.

Sometimes a new perspective is offered by just standing in a new part of an old room--how often do we sit on the kitchen counter or lie on the hallway floor (intentionally!).

Finding new rooms one never imagined in an old house is a common dream. And most dream people attribute those rooms to new places of discovery in the brain, the body, the unconscious.

I dream often of an old house I've lived in for years, and suddenly, discovering door after door, opening into spaces I never knew existed, I soar with excitement and gratitude.

Some rooms are uninhabited, with drawn shades and nasty old wallpaper.

I throw the curtains open, throw the windows open, consider making the unmade bed and wonder if anyone will return to sleep here.

Another room has water running in the sink, gushing, refreshing, clear and fresh.

As I wander in, I marvel at the force and clarity, but I don't turn the tap off....

Some rooms are haunted, I pull away.

Some rooms are so beautiful, I wonder why I haven't spent any time in them!

A mental note to self, Spend some time here!

But what self is paying attention?

My children have grown up and left home. They've been gone for several years now.

With my daughter's wedding last week, I see more clearly the inevitability of releasing them to create homes and families of their own, and even though this is hopefully what I raised them to do for themselves, there is the sense that time is going by very quickly now, unhindered by the usual boulders I once threw in the way.

It reduces the circle of relationship in some ways and expands it in others, like moon tides and waves that never crest.

Nothing is broken, it just changes.

I bought a bell in San Francisco, with a high tone that seems to be continuous when the wind blows. I don't know if I really like it, but even in stillness, there seems to be some sound!

How can that be?

The wind's energy is continuous, I just don't have immediate proof of it and so I don't think about it.

But somehow, the little iron bell tells me otherwise, even as I dream....

--for J & B, with love